Drift Away

Whenever I have trouble with someone I disassociate myself from them, and from certain people they congregate around most, I guess its to ensure the least amount of "stress" or "pain" in the days after the introduction of the problem or the perceived peak of the problem. I can't tell whether I should be thankful for that approach or whether I should be more willing to just do battle with troubles instead of just drift away.

But I can't let it effect my grades like previous troubles have. But they always manage to overshadow motivation, which is always scarce for me when it comes to school for some bizarre reason. Maybe its the dumbed down curriculum, maybe its the dislike of the "intelligence" of the masses, I don't know. But I always find myself borderline in some classes where I pass the time not by doing the work, which I defer to another time and place, and then never get around to it, but by doodling or writing or in some cases trying to sleep (the latter has been mostly introduced into the equation by the double shifts I pull doing school in the day and work at night).

It's not that I can't handle it. I'm more than capable as I have briefly shown myself from time to time. It's just, I dunno how to describe it other than really to say that I can't fully get out of the hole I've dug. Every hand I've tried to take to help myself out lets go, in a sense, whether it be faith in "friends", latching myself to pet projects to maintain some sort of satisfaction of accomplishment and purpose even though they never get finished, or actual opportunities to leap forward that have been missed, whether they be in classes or with other people.

It's just all part of trying to drift away from the problem. Drift away from any reminders of the past with that person. Drift away from any reminders of the pain.

Sometimes it seems like I'm now drifting in the right direction, though, at least for a while. I thought so during second semester last year until the last week or two, though, too... Its a direction of hope. I can't believe I'm letting myself buy into that, but as I've previously stated I am a fool sometimes. A fool for people. A fool for false hope. A fool who's always anticipating a break eventually. So sometimes the benefits of being foolish / naive far outweigh the drawbacks than at other times.

...And I've lost all coherant thought on the subject. I think I managed to drift away there. Heh...

Another interesting thing to see, since I've been on the bottom looking up, trying to pull myself out of the hole, or at least the perceived hole if I'm actually out of it and not quite aware of it yet, is how the top ranking member of the class of 05, a friend of mine who I haven't talked to much in a while, is apparently sliding downwards. Its odd to see someone on top with what I wish I could have had the inclination years ago to begin going for such as the level of education (I was oblivious to the existence of honors classes for quite a while during my really blind and naive first few years of high school) or the personal life simultaneously achieved / allowed by the success, i.e. girlfriend staying by your side plus more friends than can probably be recalled all at once, and see them start going into a hole apparently.

Its odd. And it's something Tigas brought up the other day afterschool about always wanting more and ending up missing what you once had. For him it was the DDR machine at Jamestown and just watching anime on Saturday nights with his girlfriend, something he noticed recently, obviously. Even I miss what I once had, whether it be a former friend that I really liked but regretably destroyed things with years ago in spectacular fashion, or in just missing what I had before the summer (I miss the feeling associated with the latter, NOT the person that brought about the feelings).